Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Confession

You guys.....

I am absolutely terrified to ever have children again.

I should re-phrase:

I am absolutely terrified to ever physically give birth to and raise from infancy any other children.

I still get anxiety thinking about having Claire. Maybe this is normal, but no one ever seems to want to address that fact. I don't care to talk about it (just thinking about it right now is giving me anxiety), but I also don't want people to pretend it's all peachy and something that isn't a big deal just because every woman who gives birth has to go through it.

And taking care of an infant. How do people get over the anxiety of wondering if their kid is alive all night? I look at my own grandma who had 10 kids and other friends and people I've known who have had similar #s of children and have zero (0) idea of how they emotionally and mentally (and physically) got through it.

Then couple everything with my migraines and pain problems. I'm terrified to be in the middle of a migraine and have 5 kids under 7 who need me all at once while my husband's away on a 12-hour shift at the hospital. It isn't like this is a once-a-year problem, but potentially a 1-5 times a week problem. It terrifies me. And then that anxiety in turn is likely to give me another migraine!

It's a vicious cycle.

I have always had a desire to be a foster parent. I can't explain it. I know that is not without its own HUGE set of challenges, but I often wonder if this isn't a possible solution.

There. I said it. Judge away.

3 comments:

Alysa . . . . and Reed said...

No judgement here! I used to feel those same kinds of anxiety after I had Aftyn. I would get/still do get anxious when I think about surviving pregnancy and the first year and all the aftermath of gaining all that weight, losing all that weight and nursing my baby. Just talking about it makes me anxious right now! LOL And I give you total props for looking to foster. It's oddly something that has been in my heart for a few years as well. It will be interesting where those feelings will carry either of us in the future. I think motherhood is so hard because we are hard on ourselves and each other, when really we need to love each other because we've all taken on this very very hard job. Nothing but love and respect for you!

just a random genius said...

I haven't had any kids and thinking about it gives me anxiety too. :D It sounds horrid to me. However, if it makes you feel any better, I've always heard the first one is the worst. Grandma (your grandma, my mom) had horrible migraines for something like six months to a year after your dad was born because of whatever happened giving birth to him (medicine they gave her, I think). Fortunately she didn't let that stop her from having more kids, or I'd probably be living in a hut in the Amazon right now.

Red Writing Hood said...

Birthing anxiety got worse for me with each child. That's why i quit when i did. It's a real thing. I think it's super important for every mom to know their limits and to give other moms/women grace to do what they feel is best for them and their own families. No judgement here. You have a sweet, beautiful daughter, and I'm sure your best is exactly what she needs. Listen to your mother heart, she knows what you need. <3