Saturday, October 31, 2009

My weekend :)

Hello All! Happy Halloween to everyone!

What are you all dressing up as? I'm headed out as a hippie. Tie-dyed a shirt with the girls 2 doors down and went out and bought an afro and bright pink lipstick. I don't think the lipstick goes with the whole hippie outfit though...think I just want to wear it for fun. I'm headed out to the store in a couple minutes (hopefully I can sneak out by myself...good grief...) to buy a couple more ingredients to make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies...mmm! I'll be taking those to our apartment complex Halloween party downstairs. We're having one apartment set up as a dance area with food, one apartment set up with a super scary movie, and one set up with a mildly scary movie. Gonna part-ay it up!

Last night I went to a 'pre-Halloween' bonfire started by some guys in my ward. Anyone and everyone was invited, so when we left about a half hour after it was supposed to start, I figured we'd show up to the campsite (this took place in the middle of Logan canyon, at Second Dam) with this huge mass of people and maybe have to leave if it got too crazy. Nope.

When Jess and 2 of my roommates and I got there, we had to walk through all these pathways (I had never been there before, so it was a little spooky) to get to the 'bonfire.' It was a bonfire if by bonfire you mean a couple sticks and a ton of ash. There were 5 people there. One girl was wearing a Reese's costume and 2 guys were trying to get the fire roaring up so they could cook their hobo dinners that they brought. We introduced ourselves and tried to talk...somewhat unsuccessfully, but it wasn't too awkward.

After the basketball game ended, more people slowly started showing up (about 9:15-ish). By 10:00 there were probably 20-30 people, and I was having a great time. I even got to talk to a guy a few doors down for a while; that was fun. :) I was having so much fun that when it came time for a certain roommate (I'm really great at this vague description thing) to really REALLY want to leave, I wanted to stay. So I asked the little blondies from 2 doors down if I could get a ride home with them, and their ride (Jeremy, the neighbor I was talking to for a bit) said they could squeeze one more in, on the condition that I would have to be the one to sit on his friend's lap. Sure, why not? ;) We ended up squishing 7 people into his Jeep, and I had the great fortune to sit in the back and let one of my little blonde friends sit in the front with his friend. Came back around midnight, and went to Costco in Ogden in the morning to have a beautiful Polish dog with the berry ice cream for lunch. It was heavenly.

Everyone have fun trick-or-treating or whatever you do!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Fort

I've been hiding out in my room since 5:30 today. Ms. Roommate is really angry. She was fine earlier today, but has been in a particularly bad mood since I saw her this morning, just like the girl that I knew last year especially. After last Friday, I started feeling a bit less Christ-like to her cause, as I realized more and more that she had no ground coming out at me like that and confronting me for something I have never done, something that is her problem and her problem alone. However, I did try throughout the week to go out of my way to make sure that I never let her come into a room without saying hi to her and other simple things that make her upset if we, as 'friends', don't do. I tried, and it seemed like we had a better week than usual.

Today after classes, one of my roommates passed by her room and said, "Hey, ___, are you ok?" The sarcastic reply: "NO." "Well, what's wrong?" "Nothing." So she kept walking down the hall to the bathroom. Because when you try to be sympathetic and ask someone what's going on, and you get a sarcastic response telling you of course everything is wrong but they're not going to tell you what, what else can you do? I was taking this roommate to the library on campus on my way out to WalMart to pick up a couple groceries with another roommate. Before we left, unnamed roommate stormed out of her room, stomped down the hallway, and slammed the bathroom door shut. While she was in there, we were walking out the door, and Megan walked by the bathroom, and said, "Hey, ___, I'm headed out to wally's with Kierstin to pick up a few things, I'll be back in a minute." No response. "____?" No response. "_____?" No response. After three or four times of calling out her name and having her completely ignore her, we finally shrugged our shoulders and walked out the door.

Upon coming home, a half an hour later, she stormed out of the house without a goodbye to the two of us standing 2 feet from the door. She had her keys in hand, so I just assumed she was going to go somewhere to cool down or had a study group or something. When I left for a piano lesson 10 minutes later, I found her sitting on the side of the road. As I drove out of the parking lot to go to the lesson, I didn't know what to do. Ignore her because of how she was acting? But surely that would just get me in trouble for 'excluding' her in everything (no joke, my roommates and I have to analyze everything we do like this). So I tried to be the bigger person again, and because I knew she was upset and was definitely not okay, I pulled over on the side of the road, rolled down my window, and said "Hey, are you going to be ok,?" To which she looked at me, glared, rolled her eyes, and before I had even finished my sentence, turned and started walking the complete opposite way.

I avoided coming home after the lesson for almost an hour; I talked to my dad, and he suggested to continue praying for her, be Christ-like still, and keep trying to be the bigger person. I finally got home and walked up to my apartment. When I walked in, she was in the kitchen with her headphones in, making sure to laugh hysterically to prove she was having a good time. I didn't know for sure what to do, as she had made it clear to me she wasn't going to behave like a normal person and was probably angry with me and everyone else on planet Earth for some wrong we had done against her. So I stopped by the counter, looked at her for a second, and she proceeded to turn up her music. So, I picked up my water bottle and walked to my room and closed the door, really unsure of what to do.

And now I'm here. I am seriously considering selling my contract here and moving out before spring semester starts (my contract lasts until summer semester starts); the only thing keeping me here are my other two roommates. I don't think it's right to let her push me around this way; actually, to push anyone around this way, as she did it to everyone in my apartment today. When she confronted and got angry with another roommate about a month ago, she turned on the tears after a while and said that she had nowhere else to go, so things needed to get fixed in this apartment. You'd think if she needed us that much, she would treat us better. Because I know one thing: I do not need her. I will continue to try to be kind and Christ-like, being the bigger person with her, but I am through with this friendship when I move out. There is no more 'fixing' it, because her idea of 'fixing' is that I need to apologize for her insecurities.

So. What do you guys think? Stick it out until May, or move out as soon as possible? Because right now, I honestly have no idea what to do.

Update: I just was given another confrontation, lucky me. I was told that I really hurt her when I didn't invite her to go to the grocery store today. She told me when I took everyone there and specifically left her here, it was extremely hurtful. I clarified that one of my roommates was going to class, and was told "So? Everyone was gone and I was left here. I cried in my room." I told her I don't invite everyone to everything that I do, and she said she knows, that she needs to work on it too, that we all need to work on making sure everyone is invited and no one gets left out. I said I can try to be more conscientious about it, but that I can't make any promises, because I probably won't even think about it. She told me, "See that's the thing; if you're not making a conscious effort you obviously don't care and it tells me you don't care about me; again I'm not saying I'm a perfect person or anything." I just sat there and listened to her tell me a bunch of stuff and just sat and stared at her. She then told me what a great person I am, and how the reason we probably have so much conflict is that we are extremely similar in personality, and that she hopes that deep down I think she's a great person too. I just nodded. I'm not a confrontational person with friends at all, but I'm not going to flat out lie. She ended by giving me a hug and said to make sure that if I ever get unhappy with her to come and talk to her about it. Once again, I am NOT a confrontational person in the way that she is with me.

Maybe I'll take my dad's advice and start living at the library, because it's clear to me that if I want to get out with anyone other than myself, I'm going to have to invite the whole block, and I just don't have that much room in my car.

I need a job and a therapist.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A Christ-like Attitude?

I need your help.

Tonight my roommate confronted me about leaving her out of stuff today, and luckily, I was able to tell the truth that I was not trying to leave her out. I said "I definitely did not try to leave you out of anything today." To which she replied, "Just today? Have there been other times that you have?" I had to be honest and say yes, sometimes. She got her sarcastic face on and told me "Wow, THAT'S comforting."

For some reason it just didn't seem a good time to confront her about everything that she does that makes me want to cry and move away from every single one of my friends and be by myself, just to get away from her. Instead I just told her that I will try harder to not come across as leaving her out, and will try to be more sensitive to that sort of thing. I also covered for another friend who she said was leaving her out today as well; I insisted it probably had been accidental. She smiled and said it was ok, that she was probably just paranoid since this has happened to her all throught her life, people leaving her out.

I just want to cry now, and I keep wishing my mom were here to give me a hug. All I could think was that I really wanted my mom to be here, but I couldn't even call her because of the time difference. I finally went and knocked on my roommate's door and asked if she would like a hug, and she told me yes and opened the door and told me she was sorry for confronting me.

I need some help being the bigger person here and being kind to her and not leaving her out of things and including her in stuff.

So if you are one of my friends here in Logan reading this, will you please help me and help all of us as a group by trying not to avoid her? Trying not to have conversations change when she comes around? I know it's going to be hugely hard, as most everything I do, whether it's wrong or right, seems to be wrong to her, but I can try? Surely there's got to be some blessings for trying?

Monday, October 12, 2009

Statistics

Today I had statistics 3000 and would just like to present you with some numbers.

There is a 4 in 85 (guesstimate) chance that you will be asleep at some point in one day of STAT 3000.

There is a 4 in 85 chance that you will choose to read the newspaper in STAT 3000 rather than pay attention.

The probability that you will be able to pay attention for 100% of the class time is .00001 (Since there is usually not a zero chance for most things).

The probability that you will see two boys watching the trailer for Toy Story 3 on a laptop while the rest of the class is trying to convince your professor from Thailand that 39-16 is not, in fact 17, but is 23, is 1. This will absolutely happen.

The probability that I made friends with a guy that lives next door who is also in that class with me and studied together for the test last Friday remains unknown.

The probability that you may wonder why in the world you are taking this class is .8975. It is only this low because you would know that you have to take it for your major.

There is a 58% chance that you will think I'm crazy after reading this.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Halloween anybody?

Ok, here's my Halloween-y blog that I spent a while finding stuff for. Does the header picture work? Yay/nay? Probably should've been spending that time studying - oh well, this counts as my play time for today.

So I don't have much to blog about. The roommate situation is pretty much the same, and probably will be the same the whole year...just deal with it. Meh.

On the 25th of this month, we are having a stake regional conference, being broadcast, but our ward gets to go to the actual conference, at the Spectrum (our basketball court place....what's the word for that again...?). President Eyring and another apostle are coming to speak. The institute is trying to put together another choir; this time they want 1,000 students in it. I guess I'll probably be going to it - every Tuesday at 8:30 until 10:00. Whoopee for late night choir practices....We're singing the same song though, which is the only reason I'm not entirely stoked to go practice, that and the fact that we'll get to be there whether or not we are in the choir. Well, we'll see how that goes.

Our apartment complex is doing a Halloween party on the actual day, where each apartment has some sort of activity going on. Like one apt. will have video games, one will have a mildly scary movie, one will have a really scary movie, one will have all the treats, one will have board games, etc. I'm pretty excited if it actually comes together, since we all know how reliable 22-year-old guys can be.

Well, don't have too much more to write about. I'm waiting for a supplemental book for my linear algebra class to come, so hopefully that will help. Waiting for my Calc 3 test score to come back; hoping it is as good as I felt about it! My creative arts exam score came back, and I didn't do quite so well as I had thought I did. Hmm...Gotta work on these grades. See ya! Gotta study!